Sunday, November 14, 2010

A Changing Grief

Friday night was one of those nights. One of those nights that took me back to the first days after Aaron was gone. One of those nights of overwhelming, all-consuming grief. But compared to then, the shock has worn off and the grief is now different...

It is a grief that has had time to meld.

A grief that has had time to process and settle in to every corner, crack and crevice of my heart and my being.

A grief that is so vast, deep, raw and empty that I cannot wrap my mind around it.

A grief that so effortlessly crushes and smothers the hope and joy in my life beneath it's unbearable weight.

A grief that makes my eyes burn with hurt and despair and want and longing and love and anger and uncontrollable tears.

A grief that makes my arms and heart ache for the child that should fill them.

A grief that throws logic and faith out the window and has me believing that is not okay that he is gone, missing out on our love and missing out on the life we had planned. 

A grief that is a sucker punch to the stomach and takes my legs out from beneath me as I've just realized for the first time, once again, that he is gone and no amount of begging, pleading, praying, or screaming will bring him back.

A grief for a loss that, at times, leaves the essence of my life empty, void and forsaken beyond words.

A grief that reminds me how much I desperately miss him and selfishly want him here with us.

I miss you sweet Aaron...


  1. Me too....I miss him, and what should have been. love ya, mom xoxox

  2. Im sorry you have to go through this, and you are a very strong and amazing person.. :) i wish u all the best things in your life..

    Id like to ask a few things if you dont mind
    my email is
    i know silly email lol :)

  3. My arms still ache and Sawyer's first birthday would have been tomorrow. You are so right, grief is always changing (and it throws "sucker punches"). Take care.

  4. We miss that sweet boy, too. And we hurt for you. Thanks for continuing to share your grief. We love you!

  5. I just found your blog and wanted to say that I will continue to read and offer support. My daughter, Amelia had HPLHS and was stillborn at 40 weeks, in March.

    As I read this post, I am thrown back to my own grief. Yes, it is sometimes as fresh as it was in the beginning. It comes and goes... never gets easier (from my experience) you just learn to live with it. Some days ~ like today ~ are an endless struggle to get through.

    This journey is a terrible one. It can be a roller coaster that threatens to throw you from your seat. Remember to breathe and hold on tight.


Designed by Lena