Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lump o' Coal

Again, I have been quiet lately. It seems that the fast pace of work, the demands of this holiday season and the fatigue caused by being in a state of constant flux of emotions and thoughts have made it difficult to find a sense of calm or to catch my breath lately. It is almost midnight, Aaron has been weighing heavily on my heart all day and I am finally getting a chance to sit. To reflect. To breathe. To feel close to Aaron in the stillness that surrounds me. 

I have been thinking about Christmas...and the sweet four month old boy who should be here...

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year, but this year it just feels wrong without Aaron here. Lights are twinkling on the outside of our house and a wreath hangs on our front looks like a "typical" Christmas from the outside. You'd never know that it's Christmas when you walk through the front door. No tree. No stockings. No garland, lights or decorations. Only our nativity is out. I wanted to do all of these things for Aaron, for my little one, but I can't bring myself to do any of it. There is too much sadness this year in doing those things that are usually so joyful. I have ornaments galore to hang for him and lights that I imagine would mesmerize him as their reflections twinkled in his eyes...but there is no tree for these things. 

I don't feel like celebrating.

I thank God for the birth of Jesus, His son, and for the gift of his life to each and every one of us. A gift that brings us hope. This Christmas, I quietly lift up my joy and gratefulness to God for that. 

But, I don't feel like celebrating. 

Oh how I miss you and love you dear boy.

(I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up Christmas morning to a lump of coal for my attitude this year. Oh well.)


  1. Hon, lump of coal for you at all. You are amazing, and considering what you have been through, you have a positive attitude. I think I would be so bitter, yet you seem to find a positive "light at the end of the tunnel" attitude. You are doing what you should be doing...grieving, reflecting....there will be joy...eventually. Just get thru each day the best way you can. love you xoxoxox

  2. Whatt... no one as strong and brave and loving as you deserves a lump of coal this xmas.. Aaron is going to be there to celebrate Christmas with you and your husband up from the gates of heaven <3. It's okay to grieve and feel this way, you'll find your happiness soon, you'll see.

    I'm keeping you always in my prayers
    Carlen <3

  3. I hope that Christmas went as well as it could (& I am sure that were no lumps of coal :-)). I have been thinking about you and Aaron. Take care.


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