Lump o' Coal

Again, I have been quiet lately. It seems that the fast pace of work, the demands of this holiday season and the fatigue caused by being in a state of constant flux of emotions and thoughts have made it difficult to find a sense of calm or to catch my breath lately. It is almost midnight, Aaron has been weighing heavily on my heart all day and I am finally getting a chance to sit. To reflect. To breathe. To feel close to Aaron in the stillness that surrounds me. 


I have been thinking about Christmas...and the sweet four month old boy who should be here...


Christmas is usually my favorite time of year, but this year it just feels wrong without Aaron here. Lights are twinkling on the outside of our house and a wreath hangs on our front door...it looks like a "typical" Christmas from the outside. You'd never know that it's Christmas when you walk through the front door. No tree. No stockings. No garland, lights or decorations. Only our nativity is out. I wanted to do all of these things for Aaron, for my little one, but I can't bring myself to do any of it. There is too much sadness this year in doing those things that are usually so joyful. I have ornaments galore to hang for him and lights that I imagine would mesmerize him as their reflections twinkled in his eyes...but there is no tree for these things. 


I don't feel like celebrating.


I thank God for the birth of Jesus, His son, and for the gift of his life to each and every one of us. A gift that brings us hope. This Christmas, I quietly lift up my joy and gratefulness to God for that. 


But, I don't feel like celebrating. 

Oh how I miss you and love you dear boy.


(I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up Christmas morning to a lump of coal for my attitude this year. Oh well.)