Saturday, December 18, 2010

I Missed it all...

Aaron, my little one, I’m so sorry that I missed it all.

Since Aaron’s death, I’ve struggled with this harsh reality. In those three short days on earth he endured so much, and I never truly got to know him through it all. He’s my son, and I missed it. Through all of those tubes, wires, drains and monitors, I could see his body, but not him. He changed so much from the day I first laid eyes on him in the operating room and heard his tiny little cries… to the very first time I held him after his body just couldn’t fight any longer… to the day I spend hours holding him, rocking him and soaking in every detail of him in the empty room of a funeral home. His tiny little body was so cold that day and no matter how long I held him close, I just couldn’t warm him up… memories of that day still visit me frequently and they instantly crush my heart  and rock me to the core of my being. A mom should be able to keep her child warm…

He endured, fought and changed so much from his first breath to his last…and I feel like I missed it. I missed it all.  There was a little boy whom I should have been next to, caring for and loving on every second he was with us, but I wasn’t. It breaks my heart; it always will. I didn’t get to wrap my arms around him so he could feel the comfort and love of his mother… I didn’t get to kiss him goodbye before his surgeries…I didn’t get to gaze into his eyes and see that sweet little soul.  No diaper changes, bathes, or chances to study every intricate detail of the tiny little masterpiece that was him.

I miss you, Aaron Matthew. I feel like I missed it all


  1. I am so sorry you don't have your little boy here any more. I lost my son on Aug. 12th of this year. I totally understand what you mean about missing it all! Big hugs to you and your family this Holiday Season.

  2. I think of you so often. Lots of love to you as you relive all the details and try to sort through them!

  3. he knew you... he knew you for almost 9 months and heard every sweet thing you whispered to him and every prayer you prayed for him. you kept him warm that entire time and he loves you more than you'll know. you are his mommy and you always will be. my heart is broken for you, friend. love you.

  4. I understand....he knew he was loved!! love you!

  5. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could write something to make up for all that you missed.

    I always wonder what color Jake's (our first son) eyes were. I only saw his left eye open. It was right after he was born and the doctor's were whisking him away - I was too far from him to see the color. Take care.


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