Sometimes I truly do have to ask God, "WHY?"
I realize, during moments of clarity, that God will use what we are going through for His glory and for good. I can see this in "the big stuff". But, in some of the small, everyday situations that I find myself in, I struggle with every fiber of my being to see the good. Some are just plain hurtful.
Those who visit and read here, in my little corner of the world, may interpret this as me simply letting things get to me too easily. I don't expect the world to stop or for other mothers not to delight in showing off their precious children and sharing their newfound joy with others. Sometimes though, I just have to ask "why?" If you are a mother who has lost a child, then you have probably been in my shoes and understand the heartbreak here...
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I just stopped at the store on my way home from work and found myself in the checkout line behind a woman with a baby snuggled up in it's carrier, safely nestled down in her cart. Some days I intentionally switch lines so I don't even have to deal with it. At times, I can coo at and hold sweet little ones without a second thought; other days I can't get away fast enough before the tears begin stinging my eyes.
Today I thought to myself..."Yesterday was good. Today has been good. This won't bother me today."
As the woman was checking out, the cashier kept doting on the baby and asked how old it was. "He's a little over three months." the mom said. A little boy Aaron's age... God, why?
The mom proceeded to take him out of the carrier so the cashier could see him. He was wearing one of the few things I had bought Aaron; the exact same striped long sleeve onsie... God, why?
Directed at me, the cashier asked "Isn't he a cutie?!" I managed to nod my head while holding back tears and thinking, "Please excuse me while I pick my heart up off the floor"... God, why?
I know that I may never understand why, I just know you're always there, walking beside me, making your presence known ...and picking up my broken heart when it has just hit the floor in the middle of the grocery store. You're always there.
My heart just broke for you with every next word reading this.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine the pain that you carry.
You really are a wonderful writer. I can feel like I'm there in the grocery store watching this unfold as I read your words. (Obviously not feeling your personal pain and not saying that I can, just recognizing how deeply profound your writing is.)
love you, friend.
ReplyDeleteHon..I can't imagine how you felt. I hope you know our arms are always around you! We will get to the other side of grief, with His help and your strong faith. love you!
ReplyDeleteI understand your words in a way I wish I didn't!! Praying for you, Friend... and when your heart falls to the floor, know God's does, too. Remember, "Jesus wept"... and he weeps with us.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Always
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Danielle.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you.
I am sending you a hug. I am so sorry. I don't know if it helps to know that you are not alone but you are not. I cried in the parking lot the other day. I was talking to a friend and another friend of hers (who I did not know) walked up with her 5 1/2 week old baby boy. He was wearing an outfit that Sawyer had but in a different color. I held in the tears till she walked away and then I just cried. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Danielle - I know I may never be able to fully express how much your friendship and your family means to me and how often I think of you, Dan and Aaron. I may not always say the right thing at the right time, but I am always going to want to be here for you in any way that you need me to be.
ReplyDelete