Friday, September 10, 2010

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago today, we said goodbye to Aaron. At times, it is hard to imagine that it has already been two weeks, but it also feels like the days creep by as I take it minute by minute, step by step, each slow day by each slow day. Two weeks have felt like an eternity without our son.

Two weeks...not a "milestone" I want to celebrate. In fact, I would have been happy not to get out of bed this morning, but regardless of whether I am laying in bed or up and being productive, Aaron is constantly on my mind and on my heart.

Today, I woke up with a burning question for God that seemed to weigh on my heart all day..."WHY?". Why was this your plan for us? Why is Aaron gone? Why did he have to endure all that he did? Why didn't we have more time with him? Why??? So many whys. I know I will probably never understand, and even if I did get an answer, it wouldn't change the outcome and it wouldn't fix my broken heart, not at the moment anyway. My faith is not wavering; I do trust that God has a plan in all of this and that He will use this for His glory...but sometimes, I'd just like to know "why?" Surprisingly, most of this week I felt more accepting of this path that He has chosen for us to walk right now, but in all honesty, today I am really struggling.

It is amazing to me how God knows what we need and when we need it. In the midst of my struggles today, the song "If You Want Me To" (by Ginny Owens) popped into my head and kept going through my mind... all day long. I heard this song many times shortly before Aaron was born and, although it is just a song, it always struck a chord with me. Again, it was just what I needed to hear today, to get me through and remind me that I may not ever understand "why?", but He has a plan. God is always there; we'll never walk through anything alone, and He so intimately shares my pain as he gave His son for us because he loves us so deeply.

Oh how I miss my Aaron...



  1. Such a tough question to ask. It is hard. While I can't truly understand what it feels like to be in your shoes I know from my own that I too have asked why when another heart family I know has lost their child. "Why couldn't their baby live." "Why was it their time to be called home."

    My heart breaks for you. Saying many prayers for peace and comfort.

  2. you are so, so right in saying that God intimately shares your pain... he cries along with you. although you may never understand "why" and your questions might not all be answered... you know that God is next to you, loving you, grieving with you, and holding you. rest in that... and know you are being lifted up... love you.

  3. I've been asking why any of these little hearts are broken at all. Nothing about it seems right, and even when our faith and reason tells us God has a plan -- that He will work it out for good -- it still hurts like hell, and we still ask why. There are never easy answers.

    I hope with you for healing, for the days to get a little bit easier -- not because it should hurt any less, not because anything like it's should be (because it's not), but because you're receiving the grace you need to walk and accept this path. I'm so, so sorry.

    I weep with you.


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