Monday, October 24, 2011

Mixed Emotions

23 weeks...
It is flying by... 

I find it hard to believe that in about three and a half months, we will be meeting our new baby girl face to face. I continue to be absolutely humbled and grateful for God's incredible blessing of this sweet girl, yet as I sit here and type while she gently squirms around, I can't help but feel a lingering sadness as I miss her big brother. Whether it is because I am asked on an almost daily basis "Is this your first?", "How many children do you have?" or because as we sneak towards February and little Miss' arrival, Aaron is on my mind so frequently. This sadness is not only the all-encompassing 'I miss him', but it is every little detail of him. From his antics in my belly of tucking his feet under my ribs, having hiccups at the same time everyday and really squishing his bottom or head into one side to create a lovely lopsided look, to the urgency of his birth and hearing his first cries and whimpers. The feeling of looking into his eyes for this first and last time. These details flood my heart with the unconditional love and complete joy of meeting him, yet simultaneously reopen the wound that has been left by his absence.

I imagine this mix of emotions, both the joy and sorrow left by Aaron, and the joy of new life will continue to ebb and flow over the next few months as we prepare to meet our little girl. Just as with Aaron's birth, I know that we will be blessed with  moments of pure joy, free from worry, sorrow and other conflicting emotions. However, I know without a doubt that there will also be bittersweet moments...those when a big brother should get to meet his little sister...and every picture of our family of three that should truly be four. 

This mix of emotions is simply (or not very simply) the bands of grief and loss and 'what should have been' that continue to weave themselves into our life moving forward. A new blessing doesn't cancel out a loss, the devastating loss of our son, and his absence doesn't annul the happiness and anticipation of an incredible new life...they meld together. One thing is certain in this crazy mix of grief and joy- this sweet little girl is going to know all about the brave, big brother angel she has watching over her.


  1. Bittersweet is the word I always seem to use too. I think the mix of emotions is just the way life for a bereaved parent. I am so thankful that you have the sweet and wish I had words to ease the pain of the bitter. Take care.

  2. Just checking in with you. I hope all is going well. Thinking of you and Aaron. Take care.


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