Saturday, January 1, 2011

Reflecting and the next 365...

The exit of 2010 and entrance of a new year is bittersweet. I thought I would be ready to happily bid 2010 goodbye, but with the bad...awful...unbearable events that it brought, some of the greatest memories of my life will always belong to 2010. I remember...

... the day Dyna (our dog) looked at me dumbfounded and with his head cocked to the side as I jumped up and down, giddy and overjoyed with a positive pregnancy test in hand...January 7, 2010.

....the smiles on both of our faces the first time we saw our little one's heartbeat on an ultrasound screen. A perfect heartbeat, even from a broken heart....January 12, 2010.

...hearing those words, "guess what that is?...He's not bashful!" from the ultrasound tech when we learned we were having a son. Pure joy!...May 5, 2010.

...the perfect moment when I heard Aaron's tiny little cries and kissed his soft warm cheeks as he made his abrupt entrance into the world...August 25, 2010.

...the words from our surgeon "He did wonderful; his heart looks great...97% chance he'll be going home by next week." Music to a mother's ears...August 27, 2010. That is the last time I remember feeling true happiness and joy in 2010. 

Yes, much, well most, of our world in 2010 revolved around Aaron Matthew, and we wouldn't change that for anything. Birthdays and anniversaries marked the calendar as well, bringing laughter and happiness, but nothing paralleled the anticipation of him. I am still amazed at how a tiny little boy changed everything

We received the greatest gift ever and became parents. We learned of a love we never knew existed...and loved without reservation. We experienced pure joy, true sorrow and every emotion in between. We learned more about loss than we ever cared to know. We cried gentle tears of joy and sobbed tears of deep heartbreak into exhaustion. We gained a new perspective on life. We spent more time on our knees than ever before...praying, thanking, questioning, pleading. We learned the meaning of complete surrender. We grew to know our Father in a deeper, more intimate way. 

I wouldn't trade any of that, but what I would give to have him here. (Yes, I know, quite the oxymoron).

We will see what the next 365 of 2011 brings as we continue to learn to incorporate life without Aaron into our lives. Hope resides with the longing that each new day brings. 

And, I think I will even settle for a somewhat "boring" 2011...

Oh how I miss that sweet boy... 
Ornament I made for Aaron's little evergreen memory tree.


  1. That is beautiful Danielle...thank you for sharing from your heart-the joy & the deep anguish. I felt the same way about 2010 ending... thought I really wanted it to be over, but then the thought of a whole new year without our little boy was overwhelming. I'm sorry we're in this group of parents who have lost their precious little ones too soon, but I'm thankful we get to journey together. Blessings to you and your family, for a wonder-filled 2011...full of peace & comfort & new beginnings!

  2. What a beautiful ornament! I love it.

    It's quite a tension isn't it: so much sorrow, and life's greatest joys as well. It's awful and beautiful how inseparable the two are sometimes.

    I love your beautiful heart, Danielle -- how much it welcomes what comes, how much it loves, how much it accepts the reality that is yours in spite of how awful it is.

    Much love and joy to you in 2011.

  3. Bittersweet is the perfect word - one that I find mixed into most of my life these days.

    I wish more of the "sweet" for you in 2011. (I know - at least from my experience the bitter/grief will always be there but it can exist with peace, hope and happiness.) Take care.


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