Monday, October 18, 2010

Loose Ends

A somewhat quiet weekend alone allowed for a lot of time to just work on projects and get lost in my thoughts. Thought about our life, Aaron, our future, Aaron, work, missing get the picture...he's on my mind A LOT. Sleep has not been easy to come by; I'm starting to believe that my body still thinks there should be a newborn around; therefore, my internal clock is way off. Most likely though, it's just one of the fun parts of grief. That being said, tonight I'm a bit tired, so this won't be a long post. I just wanted to share a few loose ends from before Aaron was born that I was finally able to work on again this weekend without ending up in full meltdown mode.

For the past seven weeks, the door to the nursery has remained closed. It's been too much to bear to look in at a constant reminder of our hopes and dreams that have vanished. At times, I would find myself in there, just sobbing, as I held Aaron's tiny clothes, looked through his books, and just imagined how life was supposed to be with him. I'm sure some people wonder why we bothered with a nursery when we weren't absolutely, completely sure he was coming's because we felt we were giving up on him before he even had a chance if we didn't prepare for him at home, and we certainly weren't giving up hope. Dan and I knew it would be therapeutic, at some point, to have the nursery fully finished as a quiet place to get away and remember our little guy. We have very slowly been finishing it on days when the profound sadness doesn't seem so intense, fresh and painful.  This weekend found me painting some nursery furniture and adding a few more finishing touches to his room. Pictured below is his beautiful crib that was a gift from Namaw and Granddad (Selby) as well as the quilt that was the "inspiration" for the colors of his nursery; my very talented mom made this beautiful quilt as a gift for sweet Aaron and it will forever be a keepsake.


I also finished a 'newbie" hat that I had just started crocheting for Aaron before he made his surprise entrance into the world. With a little help from a pattern and some you tube crocheting education, I was able to figure out how to do something other than crochet in a straight line. As my first attempt at a hat, it's certainly not perfect, but it was made with love from momma and I think he would've looked pretty darn cute in it!  I imagined sweet newborn pictures in this little beanie, but like so many other plans, it was left unfinished...

I'll just leave you with a scripture that was on my mind tonight and has been a source of comfort on this journey through grief...God's promise to us:

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going."
-John 14:1-4, NLT


  1. We pulled together Ewan's nursery for the same reason -- we didn't want to give up on him before he was even here with us. As hard as it is to go in there sometimes, I feel closer to him somehow too -- and then I find myself losing it in the most ridiculous (at least it seems that way to me) places.

    But oh, sweet Aaron. All these visual, tangible reminders that you were supposed to be here, to be loved and to be held, to be kissed and to be cuddled.

    It's not fair, Danielle. It's just not right. No one can make it so. And so I will sit in the ashes with you.

  2. Hon, I'm glad you find some peace in Aaron's room, and you can feel close to him there. love you, mom xoxox

  3. The quilt is awesome! Thank you for posting pics. : ) Love the hat, too. He would've looked great in it! So glad you have a space and some special things to hold as you grieve.

    As we've been playing outside and enjoying Fall we are missing doing those things with you guys and Aaron.

    Praying, praying, praying for you! Hugs & love, Amy

  4. The quilt and the hat are beautiful. Thank you for sharing them. Take care.

  5. Love the quilt and wow - the hat is so cute. And you taught yourself to crochet! So glad you are finishing up the little touches on the nursery, too. I know it is important to you to do that. That sweet Aaron could not be loved and prayers, mom s


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